*Sigh* I can't afford to live in this town. I don't think I can afford to live anywhere. I'm not sure I can afford to
live.
This all started because I wanted to get in shape and lose 20 pounds. Hey, I'll join a gym! It can't be all that much, and I'll get the benefit of trainers, classes, a pool, etc. Well, I found out that the one I wanted to join is a $150 'enrollment fee' and 30 bucks a month. That's $400 dollars a year! To torture myself!
The friend who did all the legwork is now pushing me to join because we're getting a great 'deal' by joining together. But you know what the worst part is? I want to join, I just really can't afford to. I don't have 150 bucks just sitting around. My DH needs to buy equipment for his class *and* needs spending money while he's on the road and he needs it
now since he's leaving this weekend. Guess what? We don't have it.
What else? The only college friend I keep in touch with on a regular basis is going to be in Vegas next week. It's been years since I've seen her last. I've been wanting to visit her in NYC for years, but I haven't been yet. Why? I can't afford it.
Now she's going to be in Vegas and of course, I've wanted to visit Vegas for years but can never afford it. Now I have a free place to stay (she's there on business) and all I have to buy is a plane ticket. Oh, but she has tickets to Cirque de Soleil and I've also been dying to see them for years. I even had a chance to see them when they came to town, but who can afford $100 tickets? Apparently I can because the Vegas show is $85 bucks a piece and I told her to go on and buy a ticket for me because I'm making this trip to see her and it would be crazy to pass up this chance, right?
Well, yeah, except I can't afford any of this stuff. I am walking the all-American line of being one or two paychecks from being out on the street. It seems like I never get anywhere. I sacrifice and scrimp and work and I don't have anything to show for it. Granted, it doesn't help that the DH is decidedly not a 'big picture' guy when it comes to money. I, on the other hand, do the binge and purge thing where I won't spend a dime for months until I get fed up with all this being good and blow a wad of cash on something that I've been wanting for such a long time and am I never going to have any fun?
What's the worst part of all this? I'm going to put every single blessed thing that I can't afford on the credit card, thereby ensuring that I can't afford the next thing that I really have to do because now is the only time and I'll really regret it later on if I don't.
I'm not a shopoholic. I'm really not. My downfall is that I have a good reason for everything I buy. Airplane tickets to go to a funeral, for instance. What are you gonna do, not go? I refuse to buy myself new clothes because I can't afford them, but it seems like something else always comes up.
So. Blow off Vegas right? and one of my oldest friends. There will always be next time, right? Screw the gym, right? (I probably will do that. I can't justify it even to myself.)
I know, I know. If I had been smarter earlier on, I wouldn't be in this mess. It's all my fault so now I must suffer. Pay now or pay later, right?
Life sucks. I don't want to win the lottery. I just want to live without feeling hunted and anxious about money. Convent, anyone?