In times of trouble/
We decide what we need/
What we take with us/
And what we leave/
How much of your answers/
Can be believed?
Nothin's gonna save you /
If you're deceived
--Guy Forsyth "Can You Live Without"
Maybe I shouldn't have been so cavalier about letting Chris go to Alaska. I say 'let,' like if I'd raised a big stink he wouldn't have gone anyway. I shouldn't say it like that; if I had raised a big enough stink he probably wouldn't have gone.
It's too bad my mother raised me to make my own decisions; I tend to feel that the people in my life should have the same choice. It always surprises me when people say, "oh, I wouldn't let him (or her) do that." Or, "She would never let me."
Aren't we all grown folks, with the capacity to make up our own minds and live with the consequences? Of course, people exaggerate their own importance, or lack of it. But the thought still boggles my mind.
But maybe I'm the one who's stupid or naive. Maybe I'm supposed to use my 'power' to influence Chris' actions. I wasn't all that crazy about Chris going to AK, but I had no compelling reasons for him to stay. He'll probably make more money up there, though travel and living expenses will probably cancel that out. He really wanted to go, so why not? We don't have any kids or anything; I can take care of myself.
Maybe I'm being too rational. After about three weeks I'm starting to feel insecure and wimpy, reading all kinds of things in his voice on the phone. But maybe I'm just being sensitive to what he doesn't say. He's not the most communicative person, and I do have cause, after all.
I can't decide if I'm being liberated and grown-up or just stupid and blind. Hermit life is looking better and better...