I was feeling okay for a while, but now I'm starting to feel a little down again. There really doesn't seem to be a point to any of this. I seem to keep doing the same things over and over again; there doesn't seem to be ... I don't feel as if I'm learning anything or making any progress.
What's worse, I feel like I'm being whiny about it. If I was different better? smarter? I'd *do* something about it; I'd change it. I'd have more fun, I'd have more money, I'd have more friends. Everything would just be better.
Chris may be getting a summer job in Alaska, which is exactly what he wanted. He's very excited about it, and I'm happy for him, but what will I be doing while he's gone? The same thing I do everyday: go to work, go home, feel like a loser. Sad, sad, sad...
So, why don't I do something else? Why don't I find a better job or do something cool? Because I don't know how, because I can't seem to begin to figure out what I want, becasue I allow myself to feel trapped in my circumstances. Chris doesn't allow himself to worry about who's going to pay the mortgage or take care of the animals, he's going to Alaska! I'll be here to figure all that out while he's gone. So, I gotta stay here and figure all that stuff out while he's gone. Somebody's gotta do it, right? Someone's gotta be responsible and boring. I guess it's gonna be me.
Could you imagine if I told him, well, I'm gonna go teach English in Korea for a year. I'll send you my paycheck, Toodle-oo? I can. I can't. The place would be in shambles, the water would be turned off because he 'forgot' to pay the bill. Hell, the house might be burned down!
But maybe, just maybe, everything would be fine. He'd have a little trouble at first, because he's used to letting me worry about everything, but he'd get the hang of it. Maybe I'd have a good time; maybe I wouldn't. I'd certainly improve my Korean. Maybe I'd even learn that I can take care of myself (imagine that!).
I've got to do *something*. I see my life flushing down the toilet on a daily basis.